Dear 3rd,

I found out about you two days after Christmas.

I wasn’t sure that I wanted you. I was scared and exhausted and it was horrible timing.

After weighing all my decisions, thinking it through, the thought of ending your little life and it being my decision was heart wrenching. Yes you were only a clump of cells, but you were MY clump of cells.

I fell in love with you and decided that if fate wanted me to have another baby I WOULD have this baby.

I told your brothers and your oldest brother, Jaxson, eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. For the most part I told no one else though. Not even family.

I was worried about being judged. I didn’t know how to explain why I would have 3 kids so close together.

I was terrified of what the next few years had in store...

Our house wasn’t big enough, I needed a new car. I basically wouldn’t be going back to work at this point. Would I get any sleep? Would I ever get to travel with my husband again? Even have a night off with him? Would I ever be myself again? 2 kids was hard but manageable. Would 3 completely change things for us/me?

So many things decided for me in an instant.

I love being a mom, but I also love being me. The paradox that is a mother. 

One thing was certain though I knew I loved you and wanted you. I’d always wanted 3 kids and a big close family of my own. Something I didn’t have growing up. 

I knew you would be a girl. I had your name picked out and everything. 

I got a midwife! I was so excited for a different pregnancy and labour experience. I got a birth photographer! Never did I do maternity photos with my boys and knowing this would have been my last pregnancy I wanted to document everything. I planned for a milk bath, and an in depth birthing photography session. I was so excited to do it all.

I should have known when I was having the easiest first trimester ever. No morning sickness, no exhaustion, I could hardly tell I was pregnant at all. I was working out almost every day. Something I was not able to do with my other pregnancies, and they were easy pregnancies.

As horrible as the timing was finding out I was having you, it couldn’t have been worse timing finding out I lost you. 

In Kelowna, alone, on one of the biggest days of daddy’s career. What a ride that was. 

And just like that you were nothing but a memory, a piece of my broken heart and a “what could have been.”

It’s been months since that day. Today was your due date. It’s crazy to me that you would have been born any day now (likely later since both boys were) and our family would have been complete. 

Like I said I left it up to fate whether you would be my third baby and I guess the universe had other plans for you. 

I think about you everyday. Who you would have looked like? If you would have had hair like your brothers? Blue eyes like the boys or green like mine? Was I right in thinking you were my baby girl? My little Virgo princess. They say your children inherit your zodiac signs and my Virgo moon can attest. 

I see you on a dreary day. I see you in the Mountains. Really I see you anywhere beautiful, untouched and in nature. I see you in Monarch butterflies. Something that is becoming rarer to see these days. But every time I see one I always think of it as a sign from you and you telling me you’re where you are meant to be.

Some days have been a lot easier than others but I can for certain say that this has been one of the hardest years of my life. Also one of the best years in a lot of ways, but the vulnerability, anxiety and hormonal roller coaster I have been on is way out of my normal realm. You truly flipped my world upside down and changed things for me. 

You also lit a fire inside me. You made me strong enough to pursue my dreams and passions. Things I’d always wanted to do but put off forever, I now felt I could do because of you. I started writing again, I started my own business. All inspired by you. Losing you, my baby, gave me the courage to start my creative baby and in a way it’s been the most amazing and beautiful thing. Despite the hardships it’s been the most personal growth I have gone through in a long time. 

I know how to put my foot down now, whereas before I would have let people walk all over me. I know how to protect my space and keep toxic relationships at a distance. It doesn’t mean I love these people any less, but I know what is right for myself and my own personal mind/body/spirit. 

It is all because of you. 

You made so many things possible for me that I had only dreamed of doing. And I thank you so much for all the lessons you taught me. 

Today we celebrate you. Who you would have been, the person you would have blossomed into. Despite you not making it earth-side your spirit will carry on and continue to guide me. 

One day I hope to have a daughter and I hope you will watch over both of us. I will feel less fear knowing that your sacrifice was enough to allow me time to be ready for a third. 

Although I am not healed from this experience, and I don’t know if I ever fully will be, I am grateful for it. And we love you so much. I’ll see you on the other side of the stars baby. 

Love, 

Mommy