The day has finally come. After almost 18 months of maternity leave my time is running out and I had to make a decision. Do I stay or do I go? If you’ve read my blog or are a friend you at some point have probably heard me talk about likely not going back to work after this maternity leave. For those who don’t know, I worked for the company called VIA Rail Canada for 7 years. It truly was an amazing job. Amazing benefits, great pay, opportunities to travel and see Canada in a way most never would, and for free, really good experience, and a unique work setting. I love working with customers, I am definitely a people pleaser and this is my forte. It was the perfect job for me. The hours were all over the place and one thing I can tell you about trains is that they are never on time. Unfortunately VIA Rail runs on CN’s freight line and freight trains get priority over the passenger train causing massive delays, sometimes over 24 hours. It was typical for me to work 16+ hour days from 6:30pm all the way until noon or later the next day on little to no sleep. I did everything from Baggage, Gate Attendant, Ticket Agent, Senior Station Agent, Stockchecker, Linen Stocking to eventually working in the office as the Word Processor Operator (a glorified title for admin assistant).

I became pregnant with Jaxson and fortunately was able to get myself into the office for the end of my pregnancy, being off of my feet and having a regular 9-5 schedule. During my time on mat leave with Jaxson I loved being home with him but by the time his first birthday came around I was sooooo ready to get back to work. Make some good money again, have adult interaction, get out of the house. I was very excited to go back to work which most people we're surprised to find out. After I went back I got an actual cold hard reality check. Life was chaotic, constantly go go go. Hardly any time to cook, clean, even run errands. Especially with how busy Jesse works. I am the primary caregiver. Jesse is the best hands on dad but let’s face it, he works A LOT. if Jaxson was sick and had to leave daycare, I had to leave work to pick him up. Our days off were spent running all the errands we were not able to get done during the week. I felt like I had no time to socialize or for family. Another horrible realization was how much I was missing of Jaxson’s first precious few years. Teaching him simple things like his ABCs or colours. Watching him walk, run and grow. It became really hard for me to drop him off at daycare knowing that she was the one teaching him all the things that I wanted to be teaching him. I am sure this is very common for working moms, and I am also sure there are moms who are incredibly grateful not to have to do this. But for me it really got to me.

I was working full time in the office at VIA at this point. There was not much room for growth for me. I was making a very good salary for an admin assistant but was maxed out at the top of my salary. I decided to ask for more responsibilities and take training in other positions. I thought this was what I wanted. Unfortunately again another hard reality check. The trains are never on time, they are never consistent, and not being in the office I didn’t have the luxury of leaving at the end of my shift. When you work in the station you work until the train leaves and your job is done, hence 16 hour days. It didn’t work with Jaxson being my priority. Luckily again I was able to stay in the office after taking training and not have to work those jobs very often. After learning this lesson I stayed away from the station jobs as much as I could. I felt frustrated about it though, there was no room for growth for me and that I would be just stuck as a secretary for the rest of my VIA career. I became pregnant with Asher. I was soooo excited but nervous about this because two of my kids in daycare full-time would not leave much of a pay check leftover for me. And I really wouldn't be able to work the hectic train hours with Jesse’s busy schedule. I was nervous about what the future held.

I was lucky enough to get 18 months of maternity leave, which I highly recommend to anyone considering. It was manageable financially and so worth it to get to spend that extra time with my baby. This time I didn’t get that same feeling of wanting to go back to work, I was nervous about it and somewhat dreading it. Luck was on my side because Jesse started a huge new work endeavour. True North Square which is a new high-rise building opening up downtown across from the MTS Center is opening up Hargrave Street Market which is a beautiful new food hall, think The Common but a little more high end and refined. It is going to be an amazing thing for downtown and Jesse fortunately was a big part of the project. He will be the executive chef of 6 kitchens, 5 restaurants and the bar as well. This meant a huge raise for him and thus meaning I could stay home with the kids! When he told me I was so excited I could cry. I was also nervous at the idea of leaving ViA though. At 30 years old I have never not worked since I was 15. It would be a big change for me to not have my own income. We decided that I would not go back to work and I would stay home with the kids and eventually have another baby. Then in the future if I wanted to go back to work I would find something that works for me. I did go back and forth on this decision many times after making it. I’ve talked about me being a fixed sign, Taurus. I do not deal well with change. Not having my own income is my biggest worry. After many reassurances from Jesse however, today was the day I officially put in my notice. To be honest I feel a weight lifted off my chest and I am so excited to focus on my dream role which is to be the best mother possible to my boys.

Luckily also while I was off on mat leave I started my own little business with the encouragement of Jesse and a couple beautiful souls seeing something in me that I was unsure of. So a few months ago not only did I start this blog but I also started my little side hustle, MommaBatApothecary. I do tarot readings, natal charts, make jewelry, sell crystals and recently started creating art with epoxy resin. I have so much creativity ready to burst out of me, my ideas feel endless. I have 3 craft markets coming up in the foreseeable future and definitely plan on applying for as many as possible in the future. It’s a nice little way to work on things that I am passionate about and also make a little side income. I am really proud of it and can’t wait to see how it grows over the next year. Also Jesse and I are planning to move ASAP. This is going to be a big project finding a home, decorating and renovating if need be. And then of course, in the future a new baby. I will definitely have my hands full with 3 little ones. Even two has me feeling crazy a lot of the time. Motherhood is one helluva job. Hardest job I have ever had, and I need to be the best I can be for my littles. If that means stepping away from a career for a few years to raise them then I am perfectly content with that. And who knows maybe my side business will take off and become something I can really live off of. The possibilities are endless for me right now though.

I am so grateful for VIA. It was an amazing opportunity and experience. I made a lot of good friends and met some interesting people. Despite my reservations and anxiety I am ready to leave it all behind. It’s a new chapter in my life and while things have felt in limbo for the past few months, things are finally moving in the right direction. I very much look forward to the future. And most of all I cannot wait to be home every day with my babies. I have already volunteered on Jaxson’s preschool’s board of directors and so it truly begins. I am going to be there every step of the way. Every PTA meeting, every swimming lesson, every art class. I cannot wait!