Why women don’t talk about the dark things that happen to them is mind boggling to me. Are we just supposed to internalize everything to the point of self destruction? Even to the point where myself as a 30 year old woman, still keep learning about things about myself and my body. You’d think I’d be more knowledgeable about certain subjects especially having been through 2 pregnancies, birth and babies. I feel like I know nothing…I had no clue what a “blighted ovum” was. I had no clue my body could lose the baby and yet still not naturally miscarry on it’s own until weeks later. I had no clue a faint line on a pregnancy test that slowly disappears over the next few days could indicate miscarriage. If my story could reach anyone and help them through what they’re going through or potentially inform another woman on what our bodies of capable of then that’s good enough for me. I do have to warn though this story is quite graphic and may trigger somebody else’s loss or sorrow.

I found out I was pregnant December 27th, 2018. I felt there was no way I could possibly be pregnant since my husband pulled out (sorry TMI) but low and behold after 9 days late I frantically ran to the store at 8am to buy the cheapest pregnancy test I could find (the cheaper the better in my opinion). The line was very faint but it was still there and after having 2 babies in 3 years and everything I have learnt on the subject I knew that it was almost impossible to get a false positive. The hcG was in my body and thus I was pregnant. Hcg is the hormone that your placenta produces after implantation and during pregnancy. It is almost impossible to get a false positive on a pregnancy test because of this hormone. I was terrified. I basically cried the entire day. I never told my husband because I wanted to talk to him in person and he had a busy day at work ahead of him after a few days off from the holidays. I knew he would be upset. It was the worst timing. I had just had a baby not even 6 months earlier, our son Asher. We were trying to get out of our house as soon as possible. This definitely ruled out the possibility of me going back to work. I would need a new vehicle and all my trips and plans I had for the near future would obviously be altered. I thought about terminating the pregnancy. I am very much pro choice and I realize that I may lose some followers over that stance but until you are in that position I feel as though you can never know. Not only that but there are 1000 different reasons or more to why a woman may choose to make that choice for her body. So don’t persecute me for my opinion because pregnancy and birth and raising children is not easy by any means so no one should be forced to do that if they feel they cannot. That is a subject for another time however. Ultimately after discovering how the process worked it made me absolutely sick to even fathom the idea and that was all I needed to know that that would not be the right choice for me. I had been talking for months about having 3-4 children. I also talked about how hard it would be to have another so close to my boys. 2 children rocked my world, I’m not going to lie. I have friends who told me how easy I made it look and maybe that is true but motherhood is not for the faint of heart. It is the hardest job I have ever done. But I truly felt in my soul and gut that I manifested this baby and that was what was meant to happen for us. So in that moment my future and everything I had ever wanted was suddenly very clear. Yes it was going to be very hard and we were not prepared at all in a lot of different ways but our family would be complete. So I quickly settled on the idea of being pregnant again and having another addition to add to our family. It was just a tiny embryo at this point but I fell hard and fast for this baby.

January was pretty uneventful. I was feeling mostly good, maybe extra emotional. Not even tired though like my previous pregnancies. I was exercising regularly and eating healthy and being the usual kick ass mom I strive to be. I went to a flame reading with a friend and in my reading the psychic told me she saw a pregnant woman but made no mention of a baby. These things should have been signs to me but I didn’t think anything of it. Because the flame reading was with one of my best friends I finally revealed to her that I was pregnant. She was ecstatic for me and it was good to finally let someone know my secret. I got a midwife! I was so excited to have a totally different birthing experience this time and was hoping to have a water birth at the Birth Center, and if anyone knows anything about having a midwife it is not as simple as getting a regular doctor. I had just contacted a birth photographer and was planning to document my birth journey as well as having a milk bath done for pregnancy photos. I was just looking over the contract when we were travelling to Kelowna.

Fast forward a couple sober social events I was able to lie to my friends and family about why I wasn’t drinking. I think some people were on to me but no one questioned it. I was excited because the first trimester was flying by. As we approached our trip to Kelowna I was going to be 11 weeks pregnant. Almost into the “safe” pregnancy zone. Which is really dumb when you think about it because nothing is ever safe or guaranteed in pregnancy and birth. But it’s things like that, that we tell ourselves to not be riddled with anxiety during the whole process, and statistically speaking the odds do go down.

It was time to travel to Kelowna for the Canadian Culinary Championships. Jesse was more focused than I’d ever seen him and also superstitious. I wanted to be that perfect, supportive wife more than ever in this moment to help him make it to the podium. We arrived in Kelowna on Wednesday, a couple days before the competition officially started and we were both feeling positive and calm. We spent the day together walking around town considering the weather was so much nicer than back home. We had just left an extreme polar vortex of -52 with the wind chill to +4 and hardly any snow. We had aggressive sex, twice, and then went to bed nice and early. After that I noticed some light pink spotting. I wasn’t too concerned because I assumed it was from having sex. Jesse had some work to do that day so he went off with his team and I had the afternoon to do whatever I wanted. I went shopping downtown, went for a swim in the pool and had a nap. I continued to have spotting throughout the day but still wasn’t that concerned. The next morning was the big day for Jesse’s competition. I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him over the next 2 days until the finale Saturday night. He was up early and gone for breakfast before I even woke up. I did wake up relatively early though. When I woke up there was more bleeding. Enough for me to be alarmed. I texted my friend who is a nurse and asked her opinion and she told me to immediately go to emergency if only to get peace of mind. I texted Jesse to make sure he was gone for the day and as soon as he let me know I grabbed a cab to take me to the hospital. I vowed not to tell him until I knew exactly what was going on, I even decided that if everything was fine I wouldn’t tell him until the finale was over. I was feeling very optimistic about the situation, I still at this point thought the bleeding was due to a little bit of rougher sex.

I got to emergency around 7:30am. I got in right away and waited for quite a bit of time. It was me and another guy and he was getting increasingly agitated, it wasn’t good for my anxiety about the whole situation. Finally I got into a room. I went pee as my bladder was about to burst. I forgot you're not supposed to pee before an ultrasound. The nurse came in and gave me an ultrasound. He told me I shouldn’t have gone pee and unfortunately I would need further bloodwork and another ultrasound as well. An alarm should have gone off in my head at this point but I was still optimistic. I got about 8 vials of blood taken, the nurse was very sweet, I started crying and she comforted me as best as she could. They told me it would be an hour for my next ultrasound and to keep drinking water to make sure my bladder was nice and full. I made sure to drink lots of water and was more than ready. I was given a regular belly ultrasound and then a vaginal ultrasound. After there was more waiting. I was riddled with anxiety at this point after several hours in emergency alone. They finally called me to another room. The nurse came over and said to me “Your ultrasound was unusual. Either optimistically your dates are completely off, because we are not seeing a 10.5 week fetus we are seeing a 4 week embryo. So either your dates are wrong or unfortunately the baby never developed and we have what is called a missed miscarriage. This also goes along with the fact that your hcG levels are around 1000 which does not suggest a viable pregnancy.” I was devastated and started crying immediately. I truly thought everything was going to be okay and the timing of all of this could not have been any worse. I was heartbroken and terrified at the idea of having to break this to Jesse during an already high intense, stressful situation. I was distraught being in a foreign city without any of my people here to support me. The nurse was very comforting and gave me a hug and told me that I would have to come back in a couple days for further blood tests and ultrasounds to confirm everything. I asked if it was okay to deal with it when I got home and he said absolutely as long as I wasn’t having intense bleeding or pain. I left as quickly as I could without any information, which now looking back on the situation wasn’t very smart.

I got back to the hotel an absolute wreck. I was hysterical and didn’t know what to do. I called my mom, she didn’t even know that I was pregnant because I hadn’t told anyone. We talked, she comforted me. She suggested I talk to Jesse’s boss and figure out how and when to break this news to him. I went downstairs and didn’t find Jesse’s boss but team Winnipeg’s sommelier. I normally would not be so open and honest with someone who is basically a stranger but I literally had no one else. I told him what happened and he was very supportive and offered really good advice. My original thought on this whole thing was that I couldn’t tell Jesse. Not in the middle of the competition. Now looking back I realize how ridiculous that sounds as even if I had tried to keep it from him he would have immediately known something was up just from taking 1 look at me. Josh told me that I had to tell Jesse, and that everything he knew about him was that he was a family man above everything else and he needed to know. Jesse had been texting me on and off all morning and at this point I was straight up lying to him about how and what I was doing. I went upstairs to my room and had a nap. When I woke up I went to the restaurant and ordered french fries and focaccia. Jesse’s coworkers had found me at this point and everyone knew. I wouldn’t be able to keep this a secret from anyone and regardless they were going to find out just because of these particular circumstances we were in. They were all very sympathetic and offered me whatever I needed. They all told me I needed to tell Jesse right away that I couldn’t keep this from him. So I texted Jesse right then and there and told him we needed to talk and something had happened. He called me immediately and I broke the news to him. I could tell he was in shock. He said he wanted to quit the competition and we should fly home immediately. I said absolutely not and that all of this would have been for nothing if we were to leave. He was devastated especially that I had gone through that alone. He is the kind of guy who would never let me go through something like that alone. We both decided then and there that we would stay and he would continue the competition and that since my situation wasn’t life threatening we would deal with it when we got home. I was supposed to go to each event but I couldn’t bring myself to go that night so I stayed in and watched Netflix and slept. The next day I told my friends and family members and everyone was kind and supportive. I decided I would try to go to the finale event that night so I slept for most of the day and then got ready to go.

My husband was very close in placing but he didn’t. I know he says it wasn’t because of this but the second I found out about losing our baby I felt a negative shift in surrounding energy. I feel things would have gone differently had that not happened no matter what anyone says, I don’t blame myself but I blame the circumstances and timing. It was a bad omen and definitely paved the way for everything that transpired afterwards. As soon as I found out he didn’t place I basically went back to the room crying. Jesse followed me and we talked a bit but then decided he was going to go down for a smoke and then come back. I woke up a couple hours later to a severely intoxicated husband being escorted by his teammates into our room. I was absolutely furious. Not only did he not invite me out and deserted me but he couldn’t even talk or walk he was so incapacitated. This was definitely one of the worst weekends of my life.

The next day Jesse woke up humiliated. He was very apologetic and I wasn’t too hard on him because I know that he was not handling our situation very well. It was after all his baby too. We were supposed to fly home this day so both of us were eager to get home to our kids and see the doctor. I had already called my doctor and got in at the soonest available appointment on Monday. I had also cancelled my appointment with my midwife and cancelled the contract for my birth photographer. The weather was not good that day, at home and in the mountains. Our flight was cancelled and Air Canada put us up in a hotel for the night. Thankfully it was a mechanical issue with our plane and not due to weather otherwise we wouldn’t have got the free night in the hotel. The 6 of us spent the night watching the Super Bowl and drinking and eating far too much. It was a nice distraction. The next day (Monday) we finally made it home after several hours of travelling. We still couldn’t pick up the boys because they were at my moms in the country and there had been large snow storm while we were away. We went to our doctors appointment the following day before picking them up. My doctor has done all my prenatal care for both of my boys and I have known her since I was a young girl. She’s been there for me through everything. She told me these things happen and put in a requisition for more bloodwork and more ultrasounds. She also said that I needed to get on birth control asap if we did not want to get pregnant for the time being. I went downstairs to the lab and got my bloodwork done. Then we went and picked up our boys and went to Red Lobster for supper. It felt good to be reunited and I finally felt some sort of peace.

The next day we went to Jaxson’s swimming lesson. It was good to be out and about doing normal day to day activities. Keep in mind I’ve been spotting and bleeding on and off since this all started almost a week ago. We go home after swimming lessons and all of us go down for a nap. I wake up to a phone call from my doctor and this is where this story really takes a twist. She called to tell me that my hcG levels were up. They were in the 6000s!!! Which basically meant that I was still pregnant. I was floored and even more upset. I had mourned the loss of this baby. I had told my friends and family what had happened and all of Jesse’s coworkers had been there for me while this all went down. Not only that but I was still bleeding and that couldn’t be good for either myself or the baby. I looked it up online and apparently it’s a thing to misdiagnose a missed miscarriage. I was so hurt and confused and it was like finding out I was pregnant all over at the end of December and again feeling totally unprepared to be pregnant. My doctor also informed me that at this point I could go to emergency, wait for several hours to get it sorted out now, or wait 24 hours until an actual appointment became available for an ultrasound. I opted to wait as I was already getting sick of all the time spent in doctors offices and hospitals at this point. Jesse was a wreck, he doesn’t like not being in control and the idea of waiting to find out what was going to drove him crazy. Nevertheless I was happy with my decision to wait despite the unknown.

The next day was business as usual. We ran some errands and I went out and bought this laptop. I had so much I wanted to get out and writing is one of the best ways I know how to do that. I’ve always had a gift for writing and unfortunately haven’t in the last few years as motherhood has taken over, but I knew I wanted to write about this because of all the unexpected twists and turns to this story. If someone can relate or take something from what I experienced then maybe it was all meant for something. For the time being I am still trying to wrap my head around what I was supposed to take from such an awful situation and the timing of it all. I got a call from my doctor telling me that I would have an ultrasound the next day at HSC at 11:15. All that was left to do was to wait and find out.

That night the bleeding became more intense. I also started having pretty bad cramps. I told Jesse that we didn’t need to worry about me actually being pregnant because even if I was I felt something was not right at all and I wouldn’t be pregnant much longer. I actively miscarried throughout the night and into the morning. I bled heavily, with chunks of uterine lining being left over in the toilet every time I went pee. My cramps became more and more intense into the morning. I decided that we should go to Urgent Care just to make sure I wasn’t dying. I needed to get my blood drawn again anyway. We went to Victoria Hospital in the morning. The kids were dropped off at my mother in laws on the way. I knew at this point there was no coming back from what was about to happen. The nurse took my blood while waiting in triage. And again we waited and waited. They set me up in a room eventually and the nurse practitioner came in and told me that basically what I was going through wasn’t a medical emergency despite how emotionally traumatizing it was. She said there was nothing to do and I would wait here longer for an ultrasound than for my already scheduled one that day. She suggested we keep my appointment and that the nurse would call me once they got my hcG levels back. I agreed that was for the best because I didn’t want to spend anymore time in the hospital that I didn’t have to and I didn’t want to take up a bed for someone who really needed it. As we were walking out of emergency I felt a large chunk leave my body, so I stopped in the bathroom to check. There was no denying it at this point, my body miscarried the baby, placenta and uterine lining. It was the most disgusting, horrifying and traumatic thing I’ve ever witnessed and experienced. Physically I almost immediately felt better as well. The cramping had stopped and I felt lighter. We came home briefly but my ultrasound was going to be right away and soon I would have the answers I needed and this nightmare would be over and I could officially move on and heal from all of this. While on the way to my ultrasound appointment the nurse called me like she promised and told me that my hcG levels were around 3000, mind you they had taken my blood before the largest piece of tissue was expelled from my body. But regardless they were down which coincides with a non viable pregnancy. I went and got my ultrasounds done, another belly and then a vaginal ultrasound. The tech told me my doctor would call me with the results. We went and picked up a couple beers immediately after. A couple hours later my doctor called and told me the radiologist had looked over my ultrasounds and confirmed what I already knew. My uterus was empty and I was no longer pregnant. The best case in a horrible situation. But ultimately these were the results I wanted. I didn’t need to continue with more bloodwork and ultrasounds and my body had taken care of it naturally so I didn’t need a D&C. The idea of a D&C was horrible to even think of. Going to Women’s Hospital with people protesting abortion outside and judging every women that does this kind of thing made me sick to my stomach. I feel for every woman who has had to make that awful decision for whatever reason. People think these women are “murdering” their babies but in reality I imagine a lot of them are in situations that I was in and mourning the loss of a baby that was loved and very much wanted. Please in the future, even if you don’t agree with it, have some compassion because you have no idea what these women are going through.

Anyway that is my story. It’s been a few days now and I am still severely traumatized. I have been bleeding and expect to for the next couple weeks. I woke up with the most intense cramping of my life, worse than any period I’ve ever had, worse than labour and when I was miscarrying. I won’t be able to have sex or go to the pool until my body has officially healed, I’m hoping sooner rather than later. I can’t talk to my friends. They are all going through shit. Stuff that is important to them and I am normally everyone’s number one cheerleader, with advice and love to offer but I am completely empty and you can’t pour from an empty cup. I need to be the selfish asshole who ignores her friends and deals with her shit alone and shut off from the world. I know they’ll understand. I also can’t be on social media. All the August babies are about to be announced, all the baby websites and clothing I was looking at is a constant reminder that I won’t be bringing this little babe home. I know it’s a common thing. 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage or infant loss. I am not alone in this. The situation could have been far more worse and I know people who have experienced worse. I know women who have had ectopic pregnancies and needed emergency surgery. I know women who have had to deliver their 24 week old baby only to have it die moments later due to birth defects, my own mom had lost countless babies. I have an amazing family, a loving husband who stood by me and 2 beautiful, perfect, healthy, funny little boys. I likely will never experience another miscarriage again. I should feel lucky and grateful but I feel emotionally fucked up. The timing for every part of this story blows my mind. I feel so out of control for the first time in a long time.

It’s been a few weeks now. I am feeling way stronger emotionally. I have went through the worst of it and my body is finally healed.I have started going back to the gym and pool. I have booked appointments for tattoos that I have wanted forever. I have been fiercely working on this blog and my own tarot readings. I feel like something was lit inside me that I can no longer put off all of the things that I have put off for so long. I have had a good friend tell me she thinks she’s pregnant and although it hurt to hear I got through it. My friends will inevitably be telling me about their pregnancies and I feel like I can deal with that right now. It will hurt and it will make me miss this baby even more but I am also insanely happy for anyone who gets to go through pregnancy and birth to get a beautiful baby. Especially a first time mom. My kids are my world. They make the days a thousand times less painful. I can’t be sad around them. Mentally and physically I am doing much better.

Jesse and I have plans. We are hoping to start house hunting by the beginning of 2020, now it doesn’t need to be rushed and we can take our time finding the perfect home for our family. I need a new vehicle and Jesse is opening up several new businesses fall 2019 (right when we would have had a newborn). The timing was not right to have another baby, and now we have even talked about all the options that are available to us without this baby coming. We can now go to Vegas for our anniversary which is something we haven’t been able to do in a couple years. I can make a proper nursery for our next baby, and our boys can have their own space. We won’t need to rush Asher out of the crib. There is a lot of good that came out of this and I understand that but the emotional pain has clouded that for me. I really hope time, and having some sort of creative outlet will make things clearer. I also hope that this story will let someone know that they aren’t alone, and you don’t need to suffer in silence. We should not keep this type of horror bottled up. I can’t imagine all the women who have let this eat them alive. I am more than happy to hear anyone else’s story once I have processed all of this and can be sympathetic again. And until that I hope this reaches anyone who needs to hear it, women are the strongest most resilient fucking things on this planet, and you do not need to hide this sort of trauma away. If that is how you deal with things then great but if you need to shout it from the rooftops then please I implore you to shout it from the rooftops. You may feel a weight lifted. Thank you for listening.

Always,

Kari xox